a few things to talk about...

u ever felt so scared about something that u dont talk about it, dont write it down? i am a firm believer that words give things power. and with power u derive meaning. with meaning things become all too real. i tell myself if i dont discuss matters, if i dont write them down and articulate them, then they dont fully exist. once things exist u start to question them...and label them. and once u label a fear as a fear...u stay away from it. my fear is getting close to someone again. well, not exactly me getting close to them, but them getting close to me. the idea of letting guards down again scares me. i let them down once before, and was lied to. u can beat me, call me names, threaten to kill my pet. but lying to me is unforgivable. i dont forget lies. i remember them more than truths. i dont think i could stand being lied to again...ever. i try to be as honest of a person as possible. i wanna be that person that some folks  already think i am; that person that i know i can be. but its hard when i dont trust easily. and i dont mean trust meaning i dont open up myself and tell u things about me. thats simple. im talking about real trust. that im not afraid to cry in front of u trust. that i can be goofy as hell with u trust and not feel embarrassed about it later. that i feel alone every day even tho i know a ton of ppl trust. that kinda trust where, when i have a nitemare and think of who can i call right now, ur name comes up first kinda trust (even tho i wont call cuz my pride steps in). thats what i am afraid of doing. letting those kind of trusts come thru just to be hurt again.

i think its understandable. its natural to close up once u have been hurt. the thing is...i dont like to be closed up. its a lonely road when its closed.

onto other things...

i hate ppl who always want u to do for them, but are never willing or around to do things for u. i help ppl...its what i do. i enjoy it, im pretty good at it. i dont expect much in return. a simple thank u. an acknowledgment that me scratching ur back means one day u will scratch my ear lol. is that too much to ask? dont go asking me to do u a favor and then cuss me out cuz i didnt do it the way u wanted me to. thats childish, and frankly so are u. beggars cannot be choosers. if i say im gonna do something, i do it. if i say u gotta wait till the next day, ur gonna have to wait. but if ur asking me to get in touch with someone whose same info u have, WHY CANT U DO THE SHIT URSELF? just a simple question. ppl who cant do for themselves are tired. i understand folks needing help at times, we all do. but u ask for help in challenging situations, not easy ones. talking to someone who already said u could call/IM them anytime u needed to is not a challenging situation. thats just my piece.

am i contradictive if i say i am starting to believe in a higher power? i dont wanna say God, cuz honestly i dunno how i feel by that label. but i have been talking to someone, something lately. maybe its just myself...i dunno. im searching for something out there, cuz nothing in the here is doing it for me. i feel alone a lot, not understood, and kinda like an outcast. interesting, considering i know a lot of folks on and off campus. but when it comes down to the nitty grit...who is there for dez in all her glory, with all her faults, all her idiosyncrencies...i can narrow it down to like 5 individuals who are not blood related. interesting isnt it? peace.