a few things to talk about...

u ever felt so scared about something that u dont talk about it, dont write it down? i am a firm believer that words give things power. and with power u derive meaning. with meaning things become all too real. i tell myself if i dont discuss matters, if i dont write them down and articulate them, then they dont fully exist. once things exist u start to question them...and label them. and once u label a fear as a fear...u stay away from it. my fear is getting close to someone again. well, not exactly me getting close to them, but them getting close to me. the idea of letting guards down again scares me. i let them down once before, and was lied to. u can beat me, call me names, threaten to kill my pet. but lying to me is unforgivable. i dont forget lies. i remember them more than truths. i dont think i could stand being lied to again...ever. i try to be as honest of a person as possible. i wanna be that person that some folks  already think i am; that person that i know i can be. but its hard when i dont trust easily. and i dont mean trust meaning i dont open up myself and tell u things about me. thats simple. im talking about real trust. that im not afraid to cry in front of u trust. that i can be goofy as hell with u trust and not feel embarrassed about it later. that i feel alone every day even tho i know a ton of ppl trust. that kinda trust where, when i have a nitemare and think of who can i call right now, ur name comes up first kinda trust (even tho i wont call cuz my pride steps in). thats what i am afraid of doing. letting those kind of trusts come thru just to be hurt again.

i think its understandable. its natural to close up once u have been hurt. the thing is...i dont like to be closed up. its a lonely road when its closed.

onto other things...

i hate ppl who always want u to do for them, but are never willing or around to do things for u. i help ppl...its what i do. i enjoy it, im pretty good at it. i dont expect much in return. a simple thank u. an acknowledgment that me scratching ur back means one day u will scratch my ear lol. is that too much to ask? dont go asking me to do u a favor and then cuss me out cuz i didnt do it the way u wanted me to. thats childish, and frankly so are u. beggars cannot be choosers. if i say im gonna do something, i do it. if i say u gotta wait till the next day, ur gonna have to wait. but if ur asking me to get in touch with someone whose same info u have, WHY CANT U DO THE SHIT URSELF? just a simple question. ppl who cant do for themselves are tired. i understand folks needing help at times, we all do. but u ask for help in challenging situations, not easy ones. talking to someone who already said u could call/IM them anytime u needed to is not a challenging situation. thats just my piece.

am i contradictive if i say i am starting to believe in a higher power? i dont wanna say God, cuz honestly i dunno how i feel by that label. but i have been talking to someone, something lately. maybe its just myself...i dunno. im searching for something out there, cuz nothing in the here is doing it for me. i feel alone a lot, not understood, and kinda like an outcast. interesting, considering i know a lot of folks on and off campus. but when it comes down to the nitty grit...who is there for dez in all her glory, with all her faults, all her idiosyncrencies...i can narrow it down to like 5 individuals who are not blood related. interesting isnt it? peace.

i hate it when i cant sleep at times when i should sleep. and since im restlessly up i cant get myself to do hw either cuz i cant focus enough. so instead lets discuss labels.

the homosexual world (as if it is far removed from the rest of the universe) is filled with labels. and i hate them all. i am not too versed in the labels for men since i am not one. i know top and bottom, which literally mean what they imply: r u on top or on the bottom. top is to mean that u give and are dominant. a real "man's man." bottom means u take and are kinda submissive. the flamboyant kind of gay man american society accepts and rejects at the same time. accepts, cuz u are readily identifyable; rejects, cuz u go against the definition of what a man should be.

lesbians have way too many labels. for one i hate the labels gay and lesbian. if ur straight ur simply straight. there are no separate words to classify each sex. why is it like that for gay ppl? hmm...interesting. anyways. so there are butch, dyke, femme, stud, AG, and many different degrees of each by placing the word soft or aggressive in front of each one.

butches are usually white women (from my experience) who look "manly" because they have short hair, wear flannel shirts, work construction, etc. (notice my sarcasm??) these are the type of gay females society was first introduced to: women who turned to other women cuz they simply couldnt find a man. bullshit!!

dykes...also usually white. a bit more feminine than a butch, but still rocking short hair. more punky than country.

femmes are ur classic females. everything a beautiful straight girl is, except she likes titties in her mouth. this is the type of lesbian straight men fantasize about. they have this notion that all lesbians sleep with women cuz the right man hasnt come along. trust me sweetie, he has. his name is jane and he keeps his dick in a closet. and it glows!

studs (as far as i can tell) are the pretty girls who look like pretty boys. for the most part this is a term used with minority women (in the same way minority men dont use the term gay, but rather call themselves same gender loving). studs wear mens clothing, but not excessively baggy. whatever the hairstyle - caesars, braids, locks - its always looking fresh. they are the aggressive ones for the most part, stepping up to a lady if need be. technically i would be a stud.

AGs...short for aggressives. these are ur females who could pass for guys if their boobs werent so big. baggy clothes for days, fitted hats, sometimes refer to each other as brothas or my dude. they the ones who will mack to a girl, spit that tough game, and take them home. mad thuggish too.

and like i said, there are many degrees to each by placing the words soft or aggressive in front of each. but if ur an AG ur just that...there are no degrees. so u can be soft butch, aggressive femme, soft stud, etc. what are my issues with these neatly arranged categories?? just that: THEY ARE TOO FUCKING NEAT!! no one in their right mind fits into any of these categories. and placing levels on them doesnt help matters. we are ppl...not items of food. simply cuz i wear men's clothing doesnt mean im always gonna be the one to make the first approach. just because u wear girly clothes doesnt mean u dont throw bows. and just cuz u have short hair doesnt mean ur butch, AG, stud, or even gay!! these labels are pointless, arbitrary and juvenile.

and yet i use them. we all do cuz it makes life easier. but for who? for straight society to further pigeon hole us. its not enough for us to be outcasted cuz we like to eat pussy or suck dick. no. we also have to be type-cast. its bullshit. heterosexuals dont go thru this. yes u have ur labels: pimp, playa, hoe, tease, fly girl, handsome guy. but ur either are or u arent one of those things. when ur gay u HAVE TO BE SOMETHING. thats when it gets to be unfair. i understand lables and stereotypes, but damnit i dont fit those lables. last year when i wore really baggy clothes i was an AG; now i wear more fitting stuff so i am all of a sudden a stud. if i wore tight girl clothes would i be a femme? if so, how fixed are these lables if a simple change of clothing can catapault me into diff category? they are not. and they shouldnt be cuz they are unnecessary.

thats my beef for the nite. good nite all. peace.

the kid has been busy baby!! this month is pretty packed as far as shows go. some are paying...some are not, but its all love. enough are paying . ive been pretty happy lately. not really on my grind with my anthro class as i should be, so i gotta get on my game with that. last thing i wanna do is work my ass off for 3 and half years and then fuck up my last semester. that is unacceptable.

im more at ease with the whole graduating and being an adult aspect of this final semester. my homegirl is gonna let me live with her in ny which is real peace. i still hope to find my own spot, but at least i wont have to go home now. my internship is real serious about taking me on as an employee. hopefully that happens cuz i actually like what i do. its non-profit which means blood, sweat and tears and no cheers at the end. it also means very little money. chances are i wont do it for too long but its good for now. i also wanna focus more on poetry. i figure if i can get one show a week that would be good. i really gotta focus on getting a press kit done. this is where OPB comes in. my soror remo is a PR for a living, so im sure she can at least give me some advice. i see so many sistas and brothas doing poetry for a living and i can compete with them for talent...so why couldnt i do the same thing? im not saying im gonna do just poetry...i love it, but poetry doesnt give me any health benefits. but i def wanna focus on it more than i have since ive been at hofstra.

is it sad that i really wanna read once im done with school? like i wanna read all the shit i never had time to read cuz i always have school work. it may sound a bit lame...but fuck u!! its my plan .

it took a while but i am def doing better as far as my happiness level. im not letting the actions of my ex get to me anymore. i still got love for her, but its not the same kinda love i had before. many things have happened that made me think about shit. at one point i was like u know what...fuck it...if we cant be friends thats no sweat off my back. but im glad we are friends. granted, maybe not to the extent that i hoped, but that may come with time. but we are good. i dont look at her anymore and wish i could be with her. havent felt that way for a while. time might not heal all wounds, cuz the situation still hurts. but time does allow u to put things in order. my order doesnt involve her like it did before...at least not in the same way as it once did.

so yea, the kid is happier. thats progress folks. i feel like im getting older. age number is def increasing but that doesnt mean ur mind and maturity levels are. i feel like mine are tho. for a while i felt like i was staying stagnant (which is better than going backwards), but i wasnt feeling like i was progressing. now i do again. my focus is different, my priorities are not, but the way i go about them is. its time that i be about me and not others. folks on campus have been saying damn dez u have been on the low lately. its not even about that. its me making sure im out of this damn school this may. its about me making sure i have a job and a place to live in ny after grad. its about me making sure i am as happy as i can get myself to be without having to depend on someone else to provide that happiness for me. times are not changing but dez is. at leats i hope i am...

ive been posting mainly poems up here, but whats in my head right now isnt quite sifted thru yet to be a poem. give it time. im getting...i dunno how im getting. my emotions r changing. my frustrations are ending. im actually almost pretty happy if u can believe that. the straw that broke the camels back. its amazing what retrospect can bring to u. i think back and all i can say to myself is damn. damn...cuz now i dont have rose-colored shades on. damn...cuz im not listening to other ppl anymore. damn...cuz im finally seeing what i knew all the time. my timbs were def made for walking lmao.

im at peace. im still worried about graduating, getting a job, finding a place to live, basically failing at the one thing i cant afford to fail at - LIFE. but let me sort thru one thing at a time. my chi is where i need it to be. and i didnt have to beat anyone with a bat or trip them down the stairs. thats progress folks.

peace.

whuddup fam? last semester here at hofstra. i'm starting to get sad and miss this place, and i haven't left yet. i'm afraid of what is lurking in the next chapter of my life. i've always been a good student...it's all i know how to be. once that's over, who am i anymore? i'd rather not think about this right now.

i can't sleep. it is 2:06am. we have no classes tomorrow or tuesday. i'm restless, annoyed that i'm restless, and feeling irritated by nothing in particular. i hate that feeling. i like to pin-point my issues. i hate guess work. whatever.

saw "rent" last nite in the student center (the movie version). gotta see the broadway show now. i have the soundtrack (randomly found it at work). i've been listening to it all damn day. sad right? fuck u...they're good songs and great singing. the movie is off the hook...LONG as hell. it's that malcolm x movie long type of movie lol. but it was good. haven't seen a good movie in a while.

this was a pointless entry...sorry folks. hopefully i get more stuff to write about at some point. peace.